FRIENDS/BEST FRIENDS
FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you.
BEST FRIENDS: Will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"
FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you.
BEST FRIENDS: Will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."
FRIENDS: Will help you up when you fall.
BEST FRIENDS: Will keep on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"
FRIENDS: Will help you find your prince.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kidnap him and brings him to you.
FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying.
BEST FRIENDS: Already have the shovel to bury the body of the person that made you cry.
FRIENDS: Will pass you a soda.
BEST FRIENDS: Will dump theirs on you.
FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month.
BEST FRIENDS: Will throw you a tampon and push you in.
FRIENDS: Will give you their umbrella in the rain.
BEST FRIENDS: Will take yours and run.
FRIENDS: Will help you move.
BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies.
FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be in the cell with you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"
FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.
FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, Grandpa.
BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
BEST FRIENDS: Won't tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.
FRIENDS: Ask you to write down your number.
BEST FRIENDS: Have you on speed dial.
FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give them back.
BEST FRIENDS: Lose your stuff and tell you, "My bad...here's a tissue."
FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you
FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'M HOME."
FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.
FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college.
BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.
FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.
BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say, "Girl drink the rest of that! You know we don't waste!"
FRIENDS: Will help you find your way when you're lost.
BEST FRIENDS: Will be the one messing with your compass, stealing your map and giving you bad directions.
читать дальшеFRIENDS: Will help you learn to drive.
BEST FRIENDS: Will help you roll the car into the lake so you can collect insurance.
FRIENDS: Will watch your pets when you go away.
BEST FRIENDS: Won't let you go away.
FRIENDS: Will help you up when you fall down.
BEST FRIENDS: Will point and laugh because she tripped you.
FRIENDS: Will go to a concert with you.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kidnap the band with you.
FRIENDS: Ask you for your number
BEST FRIENDS: Ask you for their number
FRIENDS: Hide you from the cops
BEST FRIENDS: Are probably the reason they're after you in the first place
FRIENDS: Let you make an idiot of yourself in public
BEST FRIENDS: Are up there with you making an idiot out of themselves too.
FRIENDS: Would ignore this letter
BEST FRIENDS: Will repost this shit!
My Mother
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident ."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me CONTORTIONISM
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me WEATHER
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me: ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."
19. My mother taught me: ESP
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me: HUMOR
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22.My Mother taught me: Genetics
"I swear you're just like your father."
23. My Mother taught me about my Roots
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My Mother taught me Wisdom
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me about Justice
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
Ways to annoy others on an elevator:
1) Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside, and ask, "Got enough air in there?"
2) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall without getting off.
3) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as you're embarassed when they open themselves.
4) Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) Meow occasionally.
6) Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) Say -DING at each floor.
8) Say "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) Ask if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) Drop a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) Swat at flies that don't exist.
22) Call out "Group hug" then enforce it
16 THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "Pikachu, I choose you!"
Repost this if you laughed...
Or are planning to do any of these things.
Most people would be offended if someone asked them what was wrong with their mind. copy this into your pro if you would be one of the few people that would answer, "Where to begin?"
Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts:
1) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
2) I am not allowed to sing, "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to the Headmaster's office.
3) I am not allowed to take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
4) I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
5) I am not allowed to give Remus Lupin a flea collar.
6) I am not allowed to bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination.
7) I am not allowed to say that Seamus Finnegan is "after me lucky charms."
8) I am not allowed to start a betting pool on this years Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. It's taste-less, tacky, and not a good money-making strategy.
9) I am not allowed to joke about Remus' "time of the month."
10) I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand.
12) I am not to refer to the Accio charm as "The Force."
13) I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is "Extra Herbology Work."
14) I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot.
15) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it.
16) I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive.
17) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast.
18) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day."
19) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.
20) It is not necessary to yell, "BURN!" Whenever Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.
21) I will not say the phrase, "Get a Life" to Voldemort.
22) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.
23) I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling.
24) I will stop referring to showering as "Giving Moaning-Myrtle an eye-full."
25) I will not make, "OMGWTF" a spell.
26) It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate.
27) I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.
28) I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor shall I insist that their color's indicate that they're "covered in bees."
29) "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
30) I will not go to class skyclad.
31) I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "Told you I was Hard Core."
32) If a class-mate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
33) House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
34) I will not start every potion's class by asking Snape if the potion is acceptable as Body Lotion.
35) I will not call the Weasly twins, "bookends."
36) I will not call the Patil twins, "bookends."
37) I will not call the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
38) There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.
39) I will not give Luna Lovegood Coast-To-Coast AM transcripts.
40) Tricking a school House Elf to strip of it's clothing does not make it mine. Yes, even when I yell out "PWND!"
41) I do not weigh the same as a Duck.
42) I do not have a Dalek Patronus.
43) I will not lick Trevor.
44) Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, "Firewhiskey."
45) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween.
46) It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself to seriously.
47) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions.
48) I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.
49) "To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not a career choice.
50) I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son, John
P.S. - Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.